Today's Randy the Cat is recommended for persons born between 1976 and 1981, but folks of all ages can enjoy his hilarious adventures!

Dear Verizon Wireless customer,

We appreciate your enthusiasm
for the services provided to you by Verizon Wireless. Mere decades ago,
when our ancestors spoke into crudely formed stones or conch shells attached to
walls by spiral cords, one simply did not dare to dream of the possibility
of speaking to anyone one wanted, anywhere in the world, from the
driver's seat of a Chevy Blazer that smells like french fries on a cheap,
plastic, wireless device designed to break within its first three years of
normal use. Modern progress is indeed pushing us forward at dizzying
speeds toward the inevitable technological nirvana that awaits us in the Great
Convergence.

We are concerned, however, that a recent call made
from your account at 1:20 a.m. CDT on Sunday 9/10/06 was made while
inebriated. This is not the first such incident to be recorded in our
monitoring of your account, and so we felt the need to send you this message to
remind you of our Terms of Service in regards to "Drunk Dialing". Drunken
phone calls are a significant annoyance to those who receive them as well as a
waste of Verizon Wireless resources. Also, once you have made your third
"Drunk Dial", it is no longer ironically funny that you are doing so because
"you are not the kind of person who does this sort of thing, ha ha." No,
at this point, you ARE the kind of person who does this sort of thing.

A Verizon Wireless telephone is for keeping in touch with those
you love, for contacting first responders in the event of a serious accident,
for telling your grandmother the color of your newborn child's eyes, and for
downloading ringtones by such artists as Jessica Simpson and The Game and
listening to their distorted howls on awful-sounding, tiny speakers
everytime you receive a call. Your telephone should not be used to make
impulsive calls to your friends while you are drunk in some tiny bar in rural
Iowa with Bud Light on your breath and your fingers sticky with Chee-to
seasoning.

We hope that
this message has cleared up any misunderstandings you had about our company
policies and that you continue to enjoy the benefits of our services. We
also hope that you will see fit to utilize more of our amazing services, because
you are seriously not giving us enough money. You don't even have a text
messaging plan. We gave you a goddamn phone for practically FREE - you OWE
us!

Sincerely,

The Verizon Wireless Team

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"Can you hear me now?" Verizon Wireless